Day 300 - Almost time for New Year's Resolutions

I can't believe it's the end of the year already. I know that's cliche - but really I can't believe it. I always find it so fascinating how you can never even GUESS what you'll be doing a year from now. A year ago I was just sort of kicking around the idea of becoming a VISTA and living on my own to save money - and now here I am! It just gives me faith in the power of making plans and setting up goals for yourself.

I'll probably sit down and make a good set of goals post NYE festivities, but here's a quick list:

• Re-take the GMAT: Blah. I know I know, I'm supposed to be done with this already. But the more I watch the economy tank I just know that applying to school in the fall is going to be tough. When people lose their jobs they go back to school. So since I have a bit of time I might as well just try for a slightly higher score. It won't kill me.
• Re-tighten my belt: I got a little lazy in December with budgeting given the holidays. But I'm ready to go back in full frugal mode. I'm ready to do a lot more cooking at home since I got more great kitchen gifts (toaster oven! microwave! cookbooks!) so I should be good. And I don't need any more clothes!!
• Alcohol Cleanse: I think it'd be nice to start the year off with a 30 day cleanse.
  
• Stretching: I apparently don't sleep well and have been twisting my body into knots lately. Until it's running season again for me (March) I will have to stretch until then.
• MLT / B-School Apps: I got into the MBA Prep program! So I need to make sure I totally commit to the process. I hope to gain a great group of friends and produce applications that I'm proud to submit. Kick-off event starts in March at the University of Virginia!
• Job Planning: My VISTA year ends in the beginning of September, so I need to make sure I have a job lined up that bridges me until school.
• Family: I had such a nice time at home last week. It just reminded me that I need to make an effort to call / e-mail / send cards regularly to my family to keep in touch. Just because I live in a different city doesn't mean I can't stay current! Check out pics from Christmas 2008.

And that's it for now. Time to enjoy the last of 2008!!

Day 276 - Professional Makeover

The other day I set up a performance review with my pseudo-boss at the new job. I say "pseudo-boss" because I don't really report to anyone in particular at the new job (another quirk of small organizations) but she is the co-President so it makes sense for her to give me feedback.

I'll admit upfront that I do not enjoy feedback. It makes me uncomfortable (both positive and negative), hot (literally. i try to dress in thin layers on feedback days) and panicky. However, I find it absolutely imperative to get feedback from time to time because I am a perfectionist and need to know how I'm doing honestly. This particular feedback round was especially tricky for me because the new job is so different from Kraft. I still haven't totally figured out "norms" and there is no structured process around performance check-ins, so it was really just a conversation with my boss.

Now I'm quite sure that I received good feedback during this uncomfortable, hot, panicky 45 minute discussion, however the piece of "constructive" feedback I got was the only thing I heard. And it literally sent me in a tailspin for the rest of the week.

Essentially I was told that I needed to work on how I "sounded." At first I wasn't sure what she was talking about. But as she described how I "sounded" I realized she was basically telling me to stop talking like a 19-year old girl. Ouch. She referenced that certain speech patterns ("like" "um" "cool") completely undermine anything I'm saying. Further I needed to work on speaking more assertively and definitively so that I sounded confident in what I was saying and not like I was doubting myself.

Needless to say, I was horrified. I would have rather had her tell me I wasn't cut out for the job. This feedback felt more like a personal attack. Change how I TALK? Gee, that'll be easy. To be fair, I do have a small voice. And a small presence (5'2" can only fill up so much space). But I never dreamed I was talking like a valley girl who was, like, totally psyched to be working at this, like, sweet non-profit.

So I went back to my desk (uncomfortable, hot, panicked AND mortified) and thought about this feedback for a little bit. And as I thought about it I realized I had two paths here: either continue to be embarrassed and stop speaking at work or actually do something to change how I presented myself. I decided on the latter. Enter my new favorite book:

The book goes into all the mistakes that women unconsciously make as a result of years of socialization. Mannerisms, attitude, appearance, etc. It's really an eye-opening book - and the perfect guide for me to conquer how I sound.

What I realized was that my boss was giving me this feedback because she WANTS me to succeed. She wants me to present my ideas in a clear, confident manner because the ideas are there. I just need to convey them in such a way that everyone knows that they are there. And yes, it's embarrassing to think that the way I talk may be sabotaging my success, yet it is empowering to know that I can control these habits and OWN my success.

Changing habits is hard - but I look forward to this week of work to try out some of the techniques I'm learning. Why have feedback if you don't intend on fixing things? All about self-improvement....!