Day 344 - I'm Not Late...Yet.

In general I do not arrive any where late.

I know this is a bold statement, but I really don't. I can't stand being late. It gives me a type of anxiety I can't even describe. Ask Justin. I have no idea why - but it always has. I don't like waiting for people and I don't like people having to wait for me. I guess I'm impatient.

However when you live in the city and you don't have a car you are unfortunately at the mercy of public transportation which does NOT care if it gets you anywhere on time (and as you all know, my current employment does not allow for cabs). While normally I pad my travel time so as to make up for this blatant disregard for schedules on public transit's part, sometimes you just can't make it work.

Which is when I developed a lovely little mental strategy that has reduced my stress level immensely. It is as follows:

Don't stress about being late until you are actually late.

Simply enough, right? Because I found that when I'm running late the anxiety starts to build from there. I play all these mental math games like - "I'm supposed to be there in 20 minutes, but the bus normally takes 15 minutes and who knows how long I'll have to wait for it to come...dammit why isn't the #74 on bustracker. Hmm, I could jog up to the Blue Line which would save me 7 minutes, but hard to say how the #70 will pan out. Such a spotty bus..." You get the idea. Half the time I end up getting to my destination on time (I tend to run to places to make up time. Literally, run.) and I had all this unnecessary stress for the last half hour.

So now I tell myself I'm not allowed to be stressed out until it is actually past the time I'm supposed to be somewhere. Supposed to be there by 7p and it's only 6:50p? No stress. 7:01? Now I am allowed to stress. Because no one knows you're late at 6:50...in fact, you aren't LATE yet.

Semantics I suppose - but this little trick has saved me an enormous amount stress lately.

Day 335 - MLT Begins Soon!

Any day this week I should be finding out who my Chicago cohort is for MLT. I'm really excited to meet this motivated group of people who are also getting ready to apply to school. From what I have heard about the program individuals come out of MLT with life-long friends. As someone who thoroughly enjoys meeting new people, this excites me.

However, I'm also sort of nervous for superficial (but maybe real?) reasons. For those who haven't checked out the MLT program from my past posts, MLT is dedicated to helping under-represented minorities achieve a greater presence in business. Therefore most of the fellows are either black or hispanic. While I'm pretty comfortable with the hispanic contingent, I'm a little nervous about the black contingent. Not because black people scare me or anything (ha, come on). But more because I'm afraid I won't fit in.

Let me explain.

Although I am half black I have never really been involved with any "black-specific" organizations. From what I know about black culture, it has a very tight knit, family-like quality to it. And most individuals (this is a gross generalization) with any black heritage end up defaulting to identifying as "black." I mean take a look at Obama. He's only half black but he is very clearly identified as the first black President. His wife is black. His children are black. The entire black southside of Chicago claims him as "his."

And I guess that's just it. I'm afraid I won't be "claimed." I'm afraid it will be painfully obvious that I grew up in a very white suburb of Detroit. That it will show that I never made any attempts to join the black groups at Michigan. That I have more Indian, Hispanic and Asian friends than I do Black.

And the thing is it just sort of happened that way. I didn't grow up with my dad so I didn't have the exposure to black culture that I should have. And of course there was the careless comment my senior year of high school that cemented my aversion to "minority" designated groups:

High School Boy: "I heard you got a big scholarship to go to U-M."
Me: "Yea I did. It's nice."
High School Boy: "You only got that because you're black."

Although I knew that I deserved the scholarship - my grades were good, I was very involved in extra-curriculars, etc. - I couldn't shake the thought that people would only think I was "getting ahead" because of my race (whatever that may be). So that was it for me. I refused to join M Go Black. I wouldn't join the Black Business Students Association. Nothing. Never again would I give someone the chance to undermine my accomplishments.

And sadly I ended up missing out on an entire network of potentially wonderful friends because I was going to school at Michigan during the post-affirmative action era and didn't want anyone getting the wrong idea about my achievements.

So - long story short. I'm looking forward to MLT. This is sort of a second chance to reconnect with a group of people I should have always been connected with. Apprehension aside, I think this is a unique opportunity and I plan on fully embracing it.

Day 314 - Eating on a Dollar a Day?

I guess it can be done. My friend Devesh sent me the link to this social experiment conducted by a couple who wanted to see if they could eat on a dollar a day (a dollar for each of them). While I have some issues with their set-up, overall it is very interesting read and a lesson in how far a dollar can stretch.

My main qualms with it are as follows:
1. I wish they would have connected their experiment with some greater social message rather than just proclaiming it a "challenge" for themselves. Given the alarming rate of global poverty it seems like it would have been an easy link.
2. A dollar a day for food is one thing. I wish they would have put themselves on a limited budget for everything and see how frequently they traded off food for the option of heat or a place to sleep.
3. They sort of cheated since they bought a lot of things in bulk up front and then rationed it out by measuring. Realistically if someone had to survive on a dollar a day its likely that they had to earn that dollar that day. Which if that was the case you wouldn't be able to buy anything in a store (what cost a $1 or less? ramen noodles or a candy bar i suppose). What you would have to do is work 5-7 days to amass enough money to purchase anything and not eat during that time frame. Again - details, but it's true. This is the exact reason those living in poverty get stuck in a perpetual cycle - no access to credit or resources that can help them "get ahead" a little.

Ok I'll step off my soapbox. Check it out for yourself!

Day 306 - Do Fewer Things

I love the above stickies from prettybitter.com. I came across these in the January issue of Real Simple and have been feeling much more grounded about my growing list of New Year's resolutions that I had to get done.

I adore Real Simple magazine. The whole magazine centers around organization and simplifying your life. The January issue spoke to me even more when the big title on the front said: FEEL CALMER NOW. Yes. I need that. It was the perfect thing to get me back into a sensible approach to goal setting. So now I give you - my new simplified "resolutions" that I am working on right now:

1. Stretch every night.
2. Find more ways to cook at home.
3. Go to bed at 11p, wake up at 7:20a every day.
4. Don't drink alcohol until February 5th.

That's it. That's all I'm working on right now. I'm not studying for the GMAT, I'm not learning Spanish, I'm not becoming the world's best knitter (altho Justin's scarf is coming along nicely...) I am just focusing on a few things this month. January's focus is around better health habits.

Now not to say I'm not still making to-do lists and spreadsheets and budgets. Those are definitely all still happening, but I won't crucify myself if I skip a day of totaling my receipts. Someone told me it takes 30 days to make something into a habit so hopefully the above goals will become habits by early February (except for the no alcohol - what a boring habit) and I can move on to some new goals.

As for the one thing I will do tomorrow? Tomorrow I will pay my phone and utilities bill. Ah - simple enough. I already feel calmer.

Day 300 - Almost time for New Year's Resolutions

I can't believe it's the end of the year already. I know that's cliche - but really I can't believe it. I always find it so fascinating how you can never even GUESS what you'll be doing a year from now. A year ago I was just sort of kicking around the idea of becoming a VISTA and living on my own to save money - and now here I am! It just gives me faith in the power of making plans and setting up goals for yourself.

I'll probably sit down and make a good set of goals post NYE festivities, but here's a quick list:

• Re-take the GMAT: Blah. I know I know, I'm supposed to be done with this already. But the more I watch the economy tank I just know that applying to school in the fall is going to be tough. When people lose their jobs they go back to school. So since I have a bit of time I might as well just try for a slightly higher score. It won't kill me.
• Re-tighten my belt: I got a little lazy in December with budgeting given the holidays. But I'm ready to go back in full frugal mode. I'm ready to do a lot more cooking at home since I got more great kitchen gifts (toaster oven! microwave! cookbooks!) so I should be good. And I don't need any more clothes!!
• Alcohol Cleanse: I think it'd be nice to start the year off with a 30 day cleanse.
  
• Stretching: I apparently don't sleep well and have been twisting my body into knots lately. Until it's running season again for me (March) I will have to stretch until then.
• MLT / B-School Apps: I got into the MBA Prep program! So I need to make sure I totally commit to the process. I hope to gain a great group of friends and produce applications that I'm proud to submit. Kick-off event starts in March at the University of Virginia!
• Job Planning: My VISTA year ends in the beginning of September, so I need to make sure I have a job lined up that bridges me until school.
• Family: I had such a nice time at home last week. It just reminded me that I need to make an effort to call / e-mail / send cards regularly to my family to keep in touch. Just because I live in a different city doesn't mean I can't stay current! Check out pics from Christmas 2008.

And that's it for now. Time to enjoy the last of 2008!!

Day 276 - Professional Makeover

The other day I set up a performance review with my pseudo-boss at the new job. I say "pseudo-boss" because I don't really report to anyone in particular at the new job (another quirk of small organizations) but she is the co-President so it makes sense for her to give me feedback.

I'll admit upfront that I do not enjoy feedback. It makes me uncomfortable (both positive and negative), hot (literally. i try to dress in thin layers on feedback days) and panicky. However, I find it absolutely imperative to get feedback from time to time because I am a perfectionist and need to know how I'm doing honestly. This particular feedback round was especially tricky for me because the new job is so different from Kraft. I still haven't totally figured out "norms" and there is no structured process around performance check-ins, so it was really just a conversation with my boss.

Now I'm quite sure that I received good feedback during this uncomfortable, hot, panicky 45 minute discussion, however the piece of "constructive" feedback I got was the only thing I heard. And it literally sent me in a tailspin for the rest of the week.

Essentially I was told that I needed to work on how I "sounded." At first I wasn't sure what she was talking about. But as she described how I "sounded" I realized she was basically telling me to stop talking like a 19-year old girl. Ouch. She referenced that certain speech patterns ("like" "um" "cool") completely undermine anything I'm saying. Further I needed to work on speaking more assertively and definitively so that I sounded confident in what I was saying and not like I was doubting myself.

Needless to say, I was horrified. I would have rather had her tell me I wasn't cut out for the job. This feedback felt more like a personal attack. Change how I TALK? Gee, that'll be easy. To be fair, I do have a small voice. And a small presence (5'2" can only fill up so much space). But I never dreamed I was talking like a valley girl who was, like, totally psyched to be working at this, like, sweet non-profit.

So I went back to my desk (uncomfortable, hot, panicked AND mortified) and thought about this feedback for a little bit. And as I thought about it I realized I had two paths here: either continue to be embarrassed and stop speaking at work or actually do something to change how I presented myself. I decided on the latter. Enter my new favorite book:

The book goes into all the mistakes that women unconsciously make as a result of years of socialization. Mannerisms, attitude, appearance, etc. It's really an eye-opening book - and the perfect guide for me to conquer how I sound.

What I realized was that my boss was giving me this feedback because she WANTS me to succeed. She wants me to present my ideas in a clear, confident manner because the ideas are there. I just need to convey them in such a way that everyone knows that they are there. And yes, it's embarrassing to think that the way I talk may be sabotaging my success, yet it is empowering to know that I can control these habits and OWN my success.

Changing habits is hard - but I look forward to this week of work to try out some of the techniques I'm learning. Why have feedback if you don't intend on fixing things? All about self-improvement....!

Day 239 - The Irony of Groceries

I was at the grocery store the other day and I realized I was staring at the options for bread for a really long time. Longer than I have ever sized up bread. I realized I was actually shopping. Comparing the prices. Trying to determine which had more slices. Figuring out which had the longest shelf life. I have never paid this close attention to my groceries. I normally do not shop. I normally just pick things up. But now that I'm on my VISTA budget I really have to think about stretching my dollar further.

So this got me to thinking about how ironic it is that I now spend so much time considering the price of groceries. The entire time I worked at Kraft (you know. the manufacturer of most groceries) I never truly thought about the price our consumers were paying. I mean, on some level I was aware that it was going to be painful to pay $4 for a package of American processed cheese for someone somewhere, but it was in more of an abstract way. But now I realize that people do not just shrug their shoulders and say "Shoot. I hate that groceries are so expensive. But o well...what are you going to do?" No. They say "Ok. I can buy bread, milk and eggs. And we'll have to do without cheese on this trip."

It just feels so ironic that only now do I feel more closely connected with groceries than I did when I was in my ivory tower of Grocery Marketing. Only now am I aware that milk is cheaper this week than it was last, so I should probably stock up and buy a full gallon. Only now do I really understand the consumer I spent two years selling to, convincing myself that a higher price point was justified all in the name of a brand.

And it just feels so unfortunate. Imagine if everyone at Kraft really understood what their consumers are facing? Imagine if they had to spend a month living on the wage the majority of their consumers live on? I bet they'd want to re-think their go to market strategy. Think about where costs could be cut to deliver a product that is more reasonably priced. But that will never happen. The people who make the decisions on how products are priced at a large company will likely never have had to really think about how to get food on the table. Not really think about it.

And I guess what is even more ironic is that those who work at a big food company like Kraft and leave to say "try a year in poverty" are probably not going to ever go back to the big food company. So the lessons they've gathered from being "out in the field" will never be brought back.

And thus processed cheese ends up remaining at $4 a package.